I don’t really understand the hype around Twilight. I mean, I do on a basic level because duh, who doesn’t love vampire/human romances (although that’s not entirely true because that’s enough, True Blood) and yes, I might be awkwardly more into them because of BuffyAngelSpike but whatever, that whole unrequited, dangerous love thing is just so exciting. But the excitement stops there and yet Twilight has somehow become this Harry Potter-esque phenomenon with equally insane and socially awkward fans.

Anyway, I didn’t get Twilight before and I certainly don’t get it now after seeing these pictures of R Pattz and K Stew at the premiere of Twilight. Because they look so angry and more importantly, they look exactly alike. Which is confusing because he’s hot since he looks like a British vampire and I guess she’s pretty, although it’s hard for me to see that since she’ll always be that super androgynous girl from her earlier movies who suddenly woke up and had long hair and a lady’s face. Like, the first time I saw pictures of her now, not looking like a twelve year old boy, I gasped…and then took a nap and/or ate a hot dog. But wait, I think I take this all back because I actually have Twilight on my secret checklist of movies to see so I should just go ahead and buy my Twilight fangirl t-shirt to wear on opening day. Yes, this is my life.

Beep beep

Life is really hard for Lindsay. She got cut from Ugly Betty, she’s not really relevant anymore, it’s just way too hot to wear leggings right now, and add to that list the fact that she just got FLOURED in Paris. I know, I wasn’t aware either that we were living in the middle ages of tarring and feathering but here we are. Now, I’m all for cute animals. Really, I’m obsessed with puppies and I like cats that dive into boxes and adorable foxes and all of that. But that doesn’t give me the overwhelming urge to harass anyone who wears fur because hey, let’s face it, we humans aren’t the most peaceful, non-violent, ethical bunch to begin with. So, deal with it.

Although I’ll admit, watching the video of a crazy anti-fur Parisian throw flour on Lindsay as she went into a swanky nightclub made me laugh. A lot. Especially Lindsay’s reaction because she’s just so confused and all she can say is OHMYGOD…ugh. The funny thing is, PETA and its crazies think that by targeting celebrities, they’re helping the cause but really, they’re just annoying the shit out of everyone and making me support people who wear fur. Because at least the Olsen Twins don’t latch onto a single, semi-witty pun and run with that for an entire year (i.e. PETA’s “Trollsen Twins”) and whatever, who cares, they’re pretty and rich and stylish. So, to conclude, I don’t remember where I was going with this but I’ll just assume I’m supposed to end up declaring my continuing support for Lindsay even though she still does nothing but now at least we’ll get some pictures of her going to the dry cleaners instead of Fred Segal. I don’t know, it made sense a minute ago.

Saucer

We all know I love X-Tina Aguilera. She’s got the voice of an angel and made assless chaps socially acceptable in my lifetime. But sometimes, she can be a real bitch. As in, most of the time. Anyway, X-Tina has come under fire recently for allegedly “stealing” Lady Gaga’s look. I can’t say I entirely disagree with that but I also don’t really care because the entire argument is pretty pointless. While X-Tina may have taken Lady Gaga’s look, she’s still been around for longer and who cares since she’s fabulous and Lady Gaga wears onesies and “Just Dance” is legitimately the story of my LIFE so really, what’s the problem? But now, X-Tina has addressed this “feud” that the internetz has been brewing up and has added fuel to the fire, saying to the LA Times:

This person [Lady Gaga] was just brought to my attention not too long ago. I’m not quite sure who this person is, to be honest. I don’t know if it is a man or a woman. I just wasn’t sure. I really don’t spend any time on the Internet, so I guess I live a little under a rock in that respect.

Yowza. And that is not a word I say lightly, although that’s actually not true since I say it in secret all the time when no one can hear me. Anyway, there are two ways to read this quote. 1) X-Tina, having never heard of Lady Gaga, just wasn’t sure if LADY Gaga was a man or a woman or 2) X-Tina is calling Lady Gaga a tranny. I’m assuming it’s the latter and all I’m going to say is really, X-Tina? YOU’RE calling someone else a tranny? YOU, Christina Aguilera (click that immediately), are calling another woman a transvestite? Okay, I think I get it. Wait, no I don’t.

Just Source

If you know me at all, then you already know that I say very few original things. Because everything I say is pretty much a combination of quotes from Not Another Teen Movie, Mean Girls, Buffy, Friends, Britney stoned, The Notebook, Liz Taylor NOT getting married, and “Bossy.” And somewhere in there lies the only part I actually remember from Sunset Blvd. and yet which seems to come out of my mouth at least once a day: “I’m ready for my closeup, Mr. Demille.”

I know it just took way too long to get here but I just wanted to emphasize why I nearly (nearly!) pooped my pants when I heard Britney’s new song, “Kill the Lights.” Because the first line is: “I’m ready for my closeup.” Which made my weekend so thrilling and I won’t lie, I didn’t think it was possible considering I spent last night reading sci-fi short stories and eating McDonalds at 1am…SOBER. Anyway, I’m sure, like “Womanizer,” had this song not been released in the midst of an actual comeback, I’d probably hate it. But, as beggars can’t be choosers, I’ll take what I can get. Normally, I’d post the download link but I’m lazy and assume you are too so here’s the youtube link. Yeah, whateva, I do what I want.

Is that some money in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Sidenote: omgz HOW cute is Britney’s outfit in this picture? I need to go cut up some shirts and stud some pants stat.

Kill the Source!

I’ll say right now: there’s no real point to this post. But I watched Freaky Friday the other night and yes, it was the twelfth time or so but I really had forgotten how much I love that movie. Maybe it’s because I randomly saw it in the theaters with my mom and afterwards we were both like “wtf just happened, why was that movie SO hilarious?” Or maybe it’s because I’m secretly jealz that Lindz can totes pull off skunky blonde streaks in her hair and adorable velvet chokers with hearts in the middle, I don’t know.

So, I guess the point of this would actually be to post these pictures of Lindsay Lohan not shopping, wearing leggings, or being less attractive by association with Sam Ronson. Because after watching Freaky Friday, I like to believe in my heart that she can still be relevant for doing things unrelated to what I just said. And while this Harper’s Bazaar photoshoot may or may not be heading in that direction, at least she looks super hot. And so, in honor of the very first day of this blog, in which Stephen inaugurated IJWLML with basically the same post, and because I’m really bored right now (having just woken up from my SECOND nap of the day), I present to you: Lindsay Lohan seemingly at the peak of her career but wait, no, these are actually from the present so I don’t know what that means.

SIDENOTE: So, to make this post somewhat relevant, I figured I should note that in the article, Lindsay legit comes out as being bisexual and dating Samantha Ronson. That probably deserves a post in and of itself but lesbihonest, I’ve literally posted about them dating twelve thousand times already: here here here and here ugh. At this point, her coming out is like me not wearing pants or feeling sleepy.  And more importantly, at this point I think I just realized that I seriously need some new material. Oops.

Freaky Sourceday

Listen, I love Sex and the City. Really, I do. And while I was hesitant to celebrate news of a SATC movie, I clearly saw it opening day, cosmo in hand and mother at my side. I can’t say I was surprised to be disappointed by the movie because from the get-go, I didn’t even want it to even be in production. After all, the series had done the rare thing of ending in its prime (oh, hai there, Friends) and Jennifer Hudson was in it. Which reminds me: Hollywood, good singing =/= good acting, which I thought we had already established with Mariah Carey but apparently not.

Anyway, news has just come out that there will be a Sex and the City sequel. Which doesn’t surprise me because oh, hey, people in Hollywood enjoy making money or something. But, like the first movie, it does disappoint me, if only because I know another two hours of my life will be wasted going through the rollercoaster that is this faux-liberal, progressive female independence that will only end in marriage, children, giving up your entire identity to your man, or all of the above. Like thanks, guys, but I do have seasons 1-6 for that. The point is, like most things I write about on here, STOP. Please, world, Hollywood, STOP. Good day, sir.

Source and the City

You know, I really have a love-hate relationship with Hollywood. Because it gives us things like US Weekly and hot James Franco and movies and TV or whatever but then it also legitimizes the existence of people like Perez Hilton and Eva Longoria so it’s like wait, why are you making me feel such conflicting emotions? But with recent reports that the CW is in talks to develop a remake of Melrose Place, I have officially decided that I fucking hate Hollywood. I mean, really, 90210 was bad enough. Like, the decision to do so and then the show itself is just so, so terrible. But this is just too much because as much as I love the original 90210, nothing is quite so dear to me as Melrose Place.

And you’re probably asking yourself how that’s even possible considering I was like five when the show first came on but you’re talking to the girl who came out of the womb watching TV. Seriously, I never needed the birds and the bees talk because by the time I was six, I already knew all the facts of life just because I obsessively watched Melrose Place every week. And duh because I was just so precocious and adorable. Anyway, this is a really terrible idea because there’s no way they’re going to find someone sassy and insane enough to fill Kimberly’s shoes. That’s probably because the real Kimberly has another job already on Desperate Housewives but also because the CW has this tendency to cast only the most generic, anorexic duds they can find. None of whom are redheads. To conclude, I leave you with this quote from overheardinnewyork that sums up everything I feel about life:

Woman, stopping dead in her tracks in front of a poster for the new version of Beverly hills 90210: Uh oh… Oh no… Uh oh…–86th St & Lexington

I know, unknown woman, I KNOW.

Melrose Source

I don’t know what’s going on in the world today but apparently everyone in Hollywood is taking ugly and/or crazy pills. But being the wonderful person I am, I’m willing to take this time to offer my sound advice and continue spreading good in the world. Because, really, it doesn’t benefit anyone to see pictures like these of Joaquin Phoenix or the ones of Ali Lohan. Life is hard enough as it is. Now, while I don’t really have a problem mocking Ali Lohan, it actually pains me to be doing a post on Joaquin Phoenix that isn’t just about how hot he is. Because he used to be really hot. Like really, really hot. Like oh, hey, let’s take my daily nap together hot and I won’t even be mad that there’s someone else in my bed.

But then he goes and announces that he’s quitting acting for music and doesn’t even give us the benefit of leaving Hollywood looking like he used to. Instead, he showed up at some event looking like a weird hobo rapist just released from prison who’s been circling the schoolyards with candy bars in his pocket. So I end with this: Joaquin Phoenix, please come back to us. And by us, I mean me. If you want to quit acting to be a musician, that’s fine because duh, all musicians are so attractive. But if you must make these decisions, please at least do so looking the way you used to because if women in Hollywood aren’t allowed to age and/or get fat, men shouldn’t be allowed to either. And so, I leave you with some pictures of Joaquin looking the way he used to slash should forever.

Source 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

Look, Ali Lohan, I get it. You can’t help your face and it’s just so hard to have older sisters who are more attractive than you, I KNOW. But WHY must the solution to that jealousy be looking like a hooker with frazzled hair? And wearing a mesh shirt? I guess I can look past the mesh shirt because clearly, that’s some sort of “thing” in the Lohan family but…no, wait, I can’t, it’s a mesh fucking shirt. The fake arm band tattoo doesn’t help either since I don’t understand why anyone would ever think an arm band tattoo is a good idea. Unless, of course, your idol is Jo from S Club 7, in which case I totally approve.

And then there’s that bowtie and those weird cat ears, which is confusing because are you supposed to be a Playboy bunny? A fancy cat training to be a butler? The point is, this photo has thrown me into disarray and has only left me with more questions than answers. Like, what happened to the days of being young and dressing up like witches or ninjas or shark attack victims? When did Ali Lohan surpass her sister in the old lady aging process? How can you possibly be Lindsay Lohan’s sister and not know how to pose in front of a camera, with or without knives? Ugh, what is happening to this world?

I’m just a little hungry

So, according to some report, Britney is considering being herself circa 2007 aka that time she shaved her head for Halloween because “she’s genuinely horrified when she looks back at those times.” Now, I have a feeling this story is entirely made up but the fact that it’s in existence for the world to read makes it worth writing about. Because Britney would dress up as herself…BALD.

I can’t help but have the same reaction to this that I had to that person who legitimately got a portrait of bald Britney as a tattoo. Which would be confusion, followed by shock, and then genuine excitement because things like this make the world go round. You might think I’m going too far, which is probably true but I think has more to do with the fact that I just decided to skip my first class tomorrow and now I’m just all hopped up and excited. Yeah, I said it, jealous?

Hallowsource